Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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