a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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