I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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