i think my tv is drunk
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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