Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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