I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
