I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
