lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
