Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
