getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
