Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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