Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
