I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
