clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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