I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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