I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
