I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
