if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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