He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize