There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
