The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
