My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
