hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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