If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
