Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
