I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize