well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize