I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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