well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Congratulations! We have a period
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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