i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize