I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
ttyl tear gas
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
