What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
smell my finger.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
