Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize