is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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