I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
