Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
