Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
