bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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