the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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