Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
