I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
