Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
