Four minutes until I can fart!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
