Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
