if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
