When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
