note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
