I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
