I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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