I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
