Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
