He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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