Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
