I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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