yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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