last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Randomize
