It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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