Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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