the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it glows. i had to have it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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