On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
